The Good Dog Myth

Greetings, Reader!

I was walking in my neighborhood the other day and out of the corner of my eye I saw a big, scary dog come charging through a neighbor's yard barking up a storm.

A person walking with a little dog on a leash had just passed that home, and the dog in the yard was making it very clear that the dog on the leash was not a welcome visitor.

The dog on the leash naturally started barking back and trying to run, but he was thwarted by the human on the other end of the leash.

Fortunately, the big dog was also contained by an electric fence, so there wasn't any real danger, but the little dog on the leash didn't know that, and had a perfectly reasonable nervous system reaction to the threat.

I watched in fascination as the person holding the leash tried to control the dog's reaction. She yelled at the dog to stop barking and commanded the dog to sit still and be calm, all while the dog in the yard kept growling.

The poor little dog was made to regulate his nervous system's response for the person's comfort.

Because he wasn't able to complete the stress response and let his nervous system know he was safe, he remained hypervigilant.

For the rest of the walk, the dog kept looking behind him and barking at the slightest movement or noise. Each time he barked, his person commanded him to control his voice and his body, telling him to calm down and to be still and quiet.

All I could think about was that poor dog's nervous system. I could feel the tension build as he suppressed his natural instincts and performed the role of the obedient dog. He may have looked still and sounded silent, but he was not calm.

And how could he be?

This poor pup didn't need to be told to calm down, he needed to know he was safe.

The same is true for your nervous system, Reader

The nervous system is designed to react to danger. It's literally how we stay alive.

Real recovery after nervous system mobilization requires:

Neutralizing the threat
Reestablishing safety
Completing the stress response to discharge the energy
Resuming social engagement

We can't just regulate our way out of an activated state, especially if we don't feel safe and we haven't processed our experience.

Trying to force yourself to calm down when your nervous system is simply doing its job is kind of like expecting a dog to be still, quiet, and relaxed when another dog is charging at him.

Have you ever tried to look calm on the outside when you are shaking on the inside?

Have you ever been forced to hold your tongue or stifle your reactions so you don't make a scene.

Have you ever been told to move on when the problem hasn't been resolved and you haven't made it safely to the other side?

This push for nervous system regulation is just another way of controlling what it means to be good.

Just like the dog is called a "good boy" when he suppresses his instincts, we humans are told every day that to be good we must not feel too much, express ourselves too loudly, or push back too much. We must silence our voices, tame our bodies, and suppress our minds. We must be palatable to others. We must be obedient.

Forcing yourself into stillness isn't healing, it is immobilization, and it is driven by fear and control, not by integration.

Knowing how to calm down is important, but it is only effective after you have established that you are safe and completed the stress response.

That is what too many people who preach about nervous system regulation miss. You can't skip ahead to integration any more than that poor dog could.

A resilient nervous system is not a calm nervous system, it is a nervous system that has the capacity to respond appropriately to the environment, to feel the experience without bypassing it, and to move through the difficulty to the shore of safety.

Move From Hypervigilance to Healing

Just like that dog on the leash, your body may be stuck bracing for danger even when the threat is long gone.

In a world with near constant stress, we don't need more regulation techniques, we need a system that moves us from fear to safety.

In my Break the Pain Cycle course, you won't just learn how to quiet the pain alarm, you'll learn a system that fundamentally shifts how your nervous system relates to pain by working with your nervous system's patterns rather than by trying to suppress your protective instincts.

If you’re ready to shift from survival mode to resilience, join the waiting list for the next cohort.

I'll be inviting the folks on the waiting list to register early with an exclusive discount. Details coming to the waiting list next week.

Get Your Exclusive Early Bird Discount

The nervous system is the source of pain, but it is also the solution.

Stop trying to regulate your nervous system. Learn how to restore resilience instead.

In love and solidarity,