Greetings, Reader!
Last week we explored how the flight response keeps us running from ourselves, overworking and overproducing to outrun our internal discomfort.
Today, let's talk about what happens when our instinctual survival response isn't to run, but to fight.
Anger gets a bad wrap in our society, especially for women, and especially for women of color. We are taught to tame it, stuff it down, and smile through it.
[Have you seen this montage of women who were interviewed by the misogynistic Charlie Rose over the years? It shows exactly what it looks like when it isn't safe for women to express outrage or anger.]
But anger is a vital survival response. It arises when a boundary has been crossed, a value has been compromised, or when something that matters is threatened. It protects our hearts from grief, our spirits from rejection, or our bodies from fear.
When your nervous system isn't allowed to express that protective anger in productive ways, that energy gets bottled up and turned inward, manifesting as self-criticism, perfectionism, and a desperate need for control.
On the surface, the internalized fight response can be mistaken for competence. But when being overprepared and striving for perfection stems from a subconscious fear of not being enough or not being liked, it isn't an expression of passion, skill, or success, it is a defense mechanism.
The fight response turned inward is an attempt to control your environment so perfectly that nothing can hurt you.
Because your nervous system runs on predictive patterns, it doesn't just react to what is happening right now; it anticipates what could happen based on your past experiences.
Have you ever been called into a meeting with your boss, or sat down to a difficult conversation with a friend or partner, and realized your body was already braced for impact? Your jaw was clenched, your shoulders were hiked up to your ears, and your chest was tight. You were expecting to be challenged or blamed, and your fight response flared up in anticipation that you wouldn't feel safe or protected.
When your nervous system is primed for battle, feedback can feel like a personal attack. To protect yourself, you might end up attacking first by criticizing, overexplaining, or blaming the other person instead of listening to their point of view. Ironically, the intensity of your protective reaction often pushes people away, which reinforces the belief that connection and trust aren't safe.
Lisa (name changed for privacy) has an intense job which requires her to triage emergencies every day. She thrives in the chaos of her workplace and is calm and cool under the pressure, but when she gets home, she is reactive, and the smallest things set her off.
She told me a story the other day about snapping at her partner for folding the towels the wrong way. She knew her reaction was disproportionate to the situation, but she couldn't stop herself. Her outburst was followed by deep shame, hours of self-criticism for not being able to control her temper, and fear that she would not be able to repair the damage to her relationship.
As we talked about the autonomic nervous system, Lisa realized that her anger over the towels was a misplaced survival response. Her body was vigilant all day at her job, and she had to wait until she was home in a safe environment to release the trapped pressure. Because she didn't know how to safety decompress, her nervous system wasn't getting the message that the danger from her workday was over.
Her outbursts aren't a personality flaw; they are an automatic and protective nervous system reaction.
We are working together to teach Lisa's nervous system how to metabolize the stress of her job so that she has a safe outlet for her fight response.
Lisa's fight response is directed outwards, but for many high achievers, the fight response is often turned inward.
Elaine (name changed for privacy) was raised by a father who struggled with alcoholism, and she learned very early on that expressing anger was unsafe. This was reinforced as a child when her own anger led to social rejection.
So, Elaine did what she had to do to survive: she reflexively suppressed her anger for decades. Elaine internalized her fight response by turning that survival energy towards herself. She is highly self-critical, and micromanages every little detail as a form of control, chastising herself anytime she doesn't live up to her high standards.
For years, this internalized fight response manifested in her body as chronic myofascial tension, constipation, and burnout. Eventually, the toll became systemic, and she developed a serious autoimmune condition.
The immune system's primary job is to maintain boundaries and to be able to distinguish between self and threat. Elaine's body has been under attack for so long that her immune system learned to treat her own body as a threat.
Her body is literally fighting itself because it can't fight the real bully.
We are working together on accessing and expressing her sacred rage so her body can stop fighting itself, and her symptoms are transforming enough that her rheumatologist thinks she can taper off her medication.
If, like Lisa and Elaine, you are part of the Fight Club, I invite you to reflect upon these questions:
- How is the fight response showing up in my body right now?
- What boundaries am I sacrificing to keep the peace, and what is the cost of that silence on my health and wellbeing?
- Do I have a safe way to discharge the energy of trapped stress?
- In what ways am I controlling myself or others to protect myself?
You do not have to keep choosing between exploding at the people you love or letting your body attack itself from the inside out. There is a way to hold boundaries, express your needs, and live without being chronically stuck in fight, flight, or freeze.
If you are ready to stop internalizing the battle and start building safety, presence, and connection, I am here to support you.
Click here to book a free consultation with me.
We will look at the predictive patterns of your unique nervous system and create a path toward deep, lasting physical and emotional relief.
In love and solidarity,
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Rachel
Doctor of Physical Therapy & Integrative Pain Specialist
Rewire your nervous system and break the cycles of chronic pain, depletion, burnout, and overwhelm so you can be fully present for what matters most in your life.
Start with a free Nervous System Attunement Strategy Session
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